Saturday, 5 May 2012
“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?”
I got this quote off another website, and upon reading the article, which said I should cut all ties with my now ex music man, I must respectfully dissagree.
Tonight we had probably the most mature, respectful conversation since we've known each other.
We went from knowing each other to I love you, to crazy chaos in such a short few weeks that tonight when we talked we both realized that neither of us had taken time to really get to know each other as separate people before we jumped into a relationship.
I think finally we are both at a place where we realize as much as we care for each other, we need to take time for ourselves first, and each other second.
Many people who read this may disagree, but I have learned through this short but interesting journey with the music man, that I put a lot of my issues, my fears and my hopes on him. My expectations of him were entirely unrealistic, and vice versa with him.
The both of us realized tonight that while equally lonely and equally afraid of being alone we jumped at the chance to be with someone, before we took the time we needed to see who that other person was. That does not I sincerely believe, devalue our feelings but instead make them all the more important.
In three short months he will be here for seven full days. For seven full days I will have the music man, we will get to know each other in person. Without all of the drama and miscommunication of on-line chatting. We will spend honest to goodness time with each other, getting to know each other.
I have no expectations. I hope that we are both able to figure things out, that I can deal with the fears I hold inside, let go of the reservations I need to in order to eventually be in a healthy relationship. I called my sponsor, and he and I have plans tomorrow to work on these fears and these reservations.
I know that one conversation isn't going to fix everything, but perhaps he has some tools I can utilize in letting go of the past.
A friend of mine once told me "not every man is going to hit you" he knew my entire experience. He knew my father had hit me, and the men I had slept with in the past either echoed that, or simply used me for sex.
The music man is the first honest to goodness man I have ever met and dated, and for his efforts he was given a bag-o-crazy.
I am not saying he is perfect, we know Buddha he has his own share of crazy and has made his mistakes to.
I am saying however that in order to have a healthy relationship I have to understand myself more clearly then I have in the past. I can look back over the map of twenty-odd years and see where certain things shaped the person I am today.
I used to think I was happy with that person, that I could accept being alone...that eventually my prince would come. As a good friend pointed out recently however I don't have the opportunity to meet many men. I don't go out to bars, and even when a man does come my way I tend to excuse myself as quickly as I can.
This comes from, as I told the music man, an unadulterated fear of men, even though I know there are good men out there. Really truly wonderful men, my fears are about me, not about them.
I know that learning to trust again must now be my focus. For the last 18 months it really has been on not drinking, rather then changing my behaviours and past attitude towards men and to myself.
Instead I have simply put up a wall between myself and them, I have a male sponsor but I have yet to disclose all my secrets to him, even though I have known him the better part of a year. I chose him because I knew he was safe and unlike female sponsors I've had in the past he's actually stuck around. I have not however allowed myself to fully trust him.
This will change tomorrow. Today is the day I am reclaiming myself working on myself and letting go...as for the future? No more worries. No more stress, just new found acceptance.