Saturday, 5 May 2012
“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?”
I got this quote off another website, and upon reading the article, which said I should cut all ties with my now ex music man, I must respectfully dissagree.
Tonight we had probably the most mature, respectful conversation since we've known each other.
We went from knowing each other to I love you, to crazy chaos in such a short few weeks that tonight when we talked we both realized that neither of us had taken time to really get to know each other as separate people before we jumped into a relationship.
I think finally we are both at a place where we realize as much as we care for each other, we need to take time for ourselves first, and each other second.
Many people who read this may disagree, but I have learned through this short but interesting journey with the music man, that I put a lot of my issues, my fears and my hopes on him. My expectations of him were entirely unrealistic, and vice versa with him.
The both of us realized tonight that while equally lonely and equally afraid of being alone we jumped at the chance to be with someone, before we took the time we needed to see who that other person was. That does not I sincerely believe, devalue our feelings but instead make them all the more important.
In three short months he will be here for seven full days. For seven full days I will have the music man, we will get to know each other in person. Without all of the drama and miscommunication of on-line chatting. We will spend honest to goodness time with each other, getting to know each other.
I have no expectations. I hope that we are both able to figure things out, that I can deal with the fears I hold inside, let go of the reservations I need to in order to eventually be in a healthy relationship. I called my sponsor, and he and I have plans tomorrow to work on these fears and these reservations.
I know that one conversation isn't going to fix everything, but perhaps he has some tools I can utilize in letting go of the past.
A friend of mine once told me "not every man is going to hit you" he knew my entire experience. He knew my father had hit me, and the men I had slept with in the past either echoed that, or simply used me for sex.
The music man is the first honest to goodness man I have ever met and dated, and for his efforts he was given a bag-o-crazy.
I am not saying he is perfect, we know Buddha he has his own share of crazy and has made his mistakes to.
I am saying however that in order to have a healthy relationship I have to understand myself more clearly then I have in the past. I can look back over the map of twenty-odd years and see where certain things shaped the person I am today.
I used to think I was happy with that person, that I could accept being alone...that eventually my prince would come. As a good friend pointed out recently however I don't have the opportunity to meet many men. I don't go out to bars, and even when a man does come my way I tend to excuse myself as quickly as I can.
This comes from, as I told the music man, an unadulterated fear of men, even though I know there are good men out there. Really truly wonderful men, my fears are about me, not about them.
I know that learning to trust again must now be my focus. For the last 18 months it really has been on not drinking, rather then changing my behaviours and past attitude towards men and to myself.
Instead I have simply put up a wall between myself and them, I have a male sponsor but I have yet to disclose all my secrets to him, even though I have known him the better part of a year. I chose him because I knew he was safe and unlike female sponsors I've had in the past he's actually stuck around. I have not however allowed myself to fully trust him.
This will change tomorrow. Today is the day I am reclaiming myself working on myself and letting go...as for the future? No more worries. No more stress, just new found acceptance.
Friday, 4 May 2012
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
-John Allen Paulos
The music man and I broke it off...or rather he broke it off and I have accepted it. I hate that I must accept his decision but he was right entirely to do so. I asked him why when he was calling me out on my shit, *as he should have* he did not defend me. The truth is he defends me all the time, he is far kinder then I give him credit for. I could go on for days about his good attributes.
The irony is many a friend of both of ours, *with the exception of our one mutual friend* told me during this relationship that I deserved better, and yet when we broke up and they all saw how much it hurt how much pain I was in, their tune changed to "maybe he will take you back" I know he won't. Not right now at least. Perhaps one day.
I have a lot of things to work on, many of which I thought, I was genuinely convinced I had gotten over. You see Buddha I can look back now and see how badly I treated him. How I took everything he would say to me and twist it to make it fit my argument.
I thought that by waiting to get into a relationship I was doing the right thing, working on myself, but to be fair *to me* it has been five years, how am I supposed to remember how to deal with a man? of course I am not to remember what it is like to be in a relationship, but that does not excuse my pushing my fears and resentments on him.
We both agree that perhaps one day in the future if we are both single perhaps we will try again, I hope so because I do love him, but loving him also means letting him go and working on the things that I need to, in order to be truly mentally healthy.
The feelings I have for the music man have not gone away obviously and I hope they do not. He has his flaws, no man is perfect but I have trouble seeing myself with anyone else. A time before him does not exist in my mind, when I know that I must look back in order to fix things so I can be with him again.
That sounds obsessive does it not? Perhaps it is, I do not mean for it to be. I mean that I love this man, and I still want one day to be with him, but in order to do that I must dig back into my memory and find the twisted parts, I must untwist them. Not only for him either, but for myself, or I will never be happy.
I know I have issues, everyone does, but he told me yesterday that my bad days are really really bad, and he was right. He is the first person other then me to have ever noticed that. When I allow myself to sink into the darkness, I do so swinging and I take everyone with me. It is truly abusive and cruel behaviour.
The fact that he notices more then I think he does, proves in my mind I was at least loveable enough for that, that he noticed. That matters, I never really told him that.
I also told him the time we spent together was not enough, it wasn't I should make clear that he did not try, it was that it's hard enough to love someone your only just getting to know, distance just makes it harder.
When I think about all the beautiful women he is surrounded with in his town I often wonder why me, why did I get so lucky, when in reality it should have been "Why not me?" I love him and I hope things work out, I hope that I am able to fix the things within myself that make me untouchable, breakable again I say not just for him...but also for myself, mainly and most importantly for myself.
I'll keep writing Buddha, I cannot afford not to.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.”
I could find no wiser words. Over the last month there has been tension between me and my music man, and it has caused us both stress and pain. In a sense more so I because for so many days I allowed my insecurities convince me that us having a disagreement meant that he would walk away, he would end this journey we are on. This really is of no credit to him.
I learn daily though by small gestures and twists and turns that I am indeed able to bounce ideas off of him, disagree and converse and not have it be the end of the world.
Of course I want more from this relationship it is hard not to be able to be with him, but the thing that I am finding fascinating is watching myself grow into this somewhat learning type person comfortable with not being right all the time.
Learning to work things out as an adult instead of walking away, or alternatively taking time to pursue my own interests when I need or want to.
I am finding the time we do spend together shorter these days because we have both been busy and thus even more precious to me than ever before.
I am also writing more, not just about important things, but silly things like my thoughts and feelings - okay not so silly but in the larger universal scheme not as important as other things I have been writing about.
I am finding myself more concerned with my health than ever before, mainly because I have never felt this tired and ill.
Tonight I took my iron pill far too late and ended up with the worst crash I have ever felt before. I lay on my couch for close to an hour just shaking trying to sleep until it ended. It is my hope that with continued use of these pills and proper diet and exercise my condition will get better, but as the doctors cannot find anything wrong with me other than my anaemia I am uncertain.
Do you remember that girl I told you about in past letters Buddha? The one who has constantly tried to make my life just slightly miserable? Well I have found that her power of me is now all but non-existent. This is a nice feeling, to know within the deepest parts of my heart her silliness, petty jealousy and outright cruelty to the music man's feelings harbours nothing but disgust from both of us.
I have learned my lesson; love is not just about trust but also and maybe more importantly faith. I will not say I am cured of my fears or insecurities, but I am damned sure not going to let anyone else undermine my feelings again. This time I will put my head up my best foot forward and be a complete head over heels in love cheese ball while I am at it.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
Dear Buddha how true this is. Over my last weekend I spent a great deal of time defending my relationship and far too much time allowing my insecurities to show which is greatly unfair to the partner.
Many times this weekend I have heard the words "I just think you deserve better" which in my mind translated to "I do not think he loves you" or "he cannot love you" which is ridiculous. Because I know that this man cares for me. I am unsure if he does really love me, but this is because it has been such a short period of time. I would not blame him for questions or concerns, I am trying to think rational about this to keep my expectations low.
I am afraid to expect too much of anyone, let alone a man I am consistently and constantly falling for on a daily basis. I am afraid not because of anything he has or has not done, it is because of my own fears, my own insecurities of relationships and friendships past.
I am projecting this onto a man I claim to love, and for the most part he is really unaware of it, because I do not share these fears with him. I am uncertain of how fair that is.
In speaking with a mutual friend of ours last day I realized that what I am doing to this man is awful, and manipulative and not at all representative of the woman that I claim I want to be. This is not the kind of partner that I want to be.
At the same time though I sometimes feel like talking to him is as conducive to talking to a brick wall which lets face it, is pretty much like talking to most straight men.
Ah well thats the drama for this week. Thanks for listening Buddha.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned
I understand that anger is like a sickness, it is why I was so susceptible to becoming an alcoholic. The disease in me feeds on my anger. It taunts me with the desire to loose myself in a sweet alcohol hazed oblivion.
There are days when it is so tempting to throw away all of the hard work I have done, to let the anger and the darkness simply consume me and let everything I know I deserve come at me all at once.
I pride myself on not asking much from those around me but instead giving them all I have. Yet I find that the more I give the more they take the less I want to be there.
For instance, take my mother. Yes, even I have mother issues. I love her desperately she really is an inspiration to me. She has worked hard to provide for her children and in return I have watched her beaten, raped and abused for her efforts. She overcame all of that to work hard to help those around her survive the same situations.
Yet in my heart I know that really the one person she cares about now is herself. She spends hundreds of dollars on clothing, on perfume and make up so she looks good, and on the outside everyone she comes across sees her as this beautiful wonderful saint. What they do not see, even members of my own family, is the manipulative woman beneath the veneer.
Every time I go to a store, or anywhere really, people tell me that they know my mother, they tell me how wonderful she is. I hear "She's a good lady" on an almost daily basis. What I don't hear is, "gee I'm sorry your mother is an evil twisted bitch who sat back and did nothing when you were raped, or molested, or beaten and had your hair set on fire" what I don't ever hear is "how do you handle living with someone who cares more about her looks to the outside world then she does her daughter"
On the outside it really does appear that she cares about helping the outside world, but when I look at her all I see is a bitter, cranky manipulative mother that is more interested in her tiny corner of the world then she is me.
For instance, several years ago I bought a puppy, this particular dog loved to jump out side car windows which is why we always kept the car windows up.
One day a friend of mothers was driving the puppy home to me, because mother decided she did not want to walk the dog home, the puppy saw mother on the side walk and jumped out of the open window in the middle of high traffic. The dog was instantly killed and I swore I did not want another dog.
The men and women that we work with however got together to get us a new dog, and against my better judgement I fell in love with this dog and still have him today. The issue however is that because he was given to us by the people we work with, often I would let people who come to meals play with or walk the dog. I decided he would be the neighbourhood pet, huge mistake.
The people I trusted to protect this animal, to love him abused this dog, and several times without my knowing it he was beaten badly. So I decided then and there they would have no contact with this dog, for his protection. I would not allow him to be harmed by other humans ever again.
Too little too late however, as it is my dog does not like strangers and he does not react well if I am not there to control him.
This weekend I am supposed to go on a trip with my two best friends, she has waited until now to tell me that if I am unwilling to put him in a kennel she will not give me the money that I earned for the trip.
Not because she is worried about my dog being at home alone while she is gone, because I have taken care of that. No, because she is afraid of letting people into the house.
This week my mother is in a rehab clinic, as I said she is in a wheel chair, Thursday is the only day she will not be home. Both Friday and Saturday she will be. One would assume it is too hard for her to walk the dog, it isn't, she is afraid of letting someone into the house while we are not here on Thursday. Forget the fact that this person is someone we know exceptionally well, and trust with our lives as well as my dog.
This is shear laziness on her part she does not want to have to get up off her ass and walk the dog.
The truth is she is a lot less helpless then she lets on. She doesn't need as much help as she pretends. For fuck sakes the woman won't reach for a piece of paper without asking for help, but of course only I see this side of her.
The sad truth is my mother nor respects nor trusts me in any way shape or form.
I see the look in her eye when someone compliments me, or when someone congratulates me. I see the roll of her eyes when I come up with an idea, a good idea and she is annoyed she did not think of it first.
I remember being sixteen and hearing her tell my brother that there was something "wrong" with my brain, that I was retarded. She equates my ADHD with retardation.
The truth is she is right about that, my brain does not work correctly, it works at such a high speed that I tend to forget things moments after they have happened. This goes far beyond just forgetting where I have put my keys or my lighter. This goes to conversations, events. I cannot always remember things I have said or done without help. I legitimately do black out during times of high stress or emotion. To her this is called retardation. The doctors however tell me I need to relax. To meditate and learn to calm myself, that the black outs will stop if I learn to just control my temper.
I sometimes think that if I were to win the lottery she would never see me again, the more I think about this the more I know this is a very real possibility.
If I could I would buy her a house, a nurse and I would walk away and be gone. Some of you may think this is awful of me. Consider the fact that my brother moved out at eighteen and didn't say anything to her about it for a month. I had to be the one to tell her. Clearly I am not far off the mark, I just wish I had been the one to do it first.
I did try at one point, well into her illness to leave, as it turned out I ended up having to move home due to circumstances out of my control - those being my room-mate being the crap out of his girlfriend.
The more I look at my future as much as I know what I want, the more I realize it will always be this. Always be me in her shadow, taking care of her, protecting her, doing everything she says because she holds not only the purse strings, but the control.
Abuse comes in many forms my dear friends.
The saddest thing about this is that some people think that the man I love is controlling, when the truth is he is my freedom in more ways then he knows. He is my prince charming and she is my evil queen.
She keeps me locked in the tower and any attempt at escape is futile, I pray that the Universe will see this and work in my favor, that the Gods above will know that as much as I love her, I cannot be her care taker forever. I am trying desperately to escape and every time I get a little close to doing that she finds some way, to make it impossible for me to survive.
This woman is has turned me into the stereo typical spoiled brat. Often in my growing up years when she didn't like my behaviour, she would see a doctor and they would shove pills down my throat. Usually sleeping pills, or "behaviour modifiers" like Dexedrine, or Ritalin. I have been on every possible behaviour modifier there was when I was a child. In return for her treatment of me I would receive a gift be it money or a new outfit or a hair cut.
I spent three weeks in a mental hospital because someone convinced her I was mentally unstable. At the end of the three weeks, a doctor looked at me and told me they wanted me to stay longer because they had not had time to really get to know me. In the time I had been in that hospital, complete with automatic lock doors and steel beds I had never met this woman. In fact at the end of the three weeks I had yet to meet any of the six doctors in that room. I walked out. I was thirteen.
This haunts me to this day and she cannot comprehend why. Why listening to the screams of truly insane children haunts me to this day. Why remembering what it was like to be housed with child predators still haunts me, and I do mean, children who preyed on other children.
I have no pictures of my childhood, I have either burned or destroyed them all in one way or another, the few I have remind me of the abusive man I grew up with, and those are locked away, I don't even know where.
I love my mother...the more I say this, the more I believe it, but it does not make it true. Believing something does not make it true. Mind you I realize now, you can love someone as much as you hate how they treat you.
My mother is a great person, to everyone else. She is my albatross. My broken star. She is shattered on the inside, broken and rotten, and until the day she dies I do not think I will ever be free of the chains to which she has bred me to bare. And at that point, when I am finally on my own I have to ask myself what the hell I will do then.
When I am free of her chains, and I no longer have to take care of this person who could care less about me, what will I do then?