Sunday, 29 April 2012
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.”
I could find no wiser words. Over the last month there has been tension between me and my music man, and it has caused us both stress and pain. In a sense more so I because for so many days I allowed my insecurities convince me that us having a disagreement meant that he would walk away, he would end this journey we are on. This really is of no credit to him.
I learn daily though by small gestures and twists and turns that I am indeed able to bounce ideas off of him, disagree and converse and not have it be the end of the world.
Of course I want more from this relationship it is hard not to be able to be with him, but the thing that I am finding fascinating is watching myself grow into this somewhat learning type person comfortable with not being right all the time.
Learning to work things out as an adult instead of walking away, or alternatively taking time to pursue my own interests when I need or want to.
I am finding the time we do spend together shorter these days because we have both been busy and thus even more precious to me than ever before.
I am also writing more, not just about important things, but silly things like my thoughts and feelings - okay not so silly but in the larger universal scheme not as important as other things I have been writing about.
I am finding myself more concerned with my health than ever before, mainly because I have never felt this tired and ill.
Tonight I took my iron pill far too late and ended up with the worst crash I have ever felt before. I lay on my couch for close to an hour just shaking trying to sleep until it ended. It is my hope that with continued use of these pills and proper diet and exercise my condition will get better, but as the doctors cannot find anything wrong with me other than my anaemia I am uncertain.
Do you remember that girl I told you about in past letters Buddha? The one who has constantly tried to make my life just slightly miserable? Well I have found that her power of me is now all but non-existent. This is a nice feeling, to know within the deepest parts of my heart her silliness, petty jealousy and outright cruelty to the music man's feelings harbours nothing but disgust from both of us.
I have learned my lesson; love is not just about trust but also and maybe more importantly faith. I will not say I am cured of my fears or insecurities, but I am damned sure not going to let anyone else undermine my feelings again. This time I will put my head up my best foot forward and be a complete head over heels in love cheese ball while I am at it.