Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Dear Buddha

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.

Dear Buddha how true this is. Over my last weekend I spent a great deal of time defending my relationship and far too much time allowing my insecurities to show which is greatly unfair to the partner. 

Many times this weekend I have heard the words "I just think you deserve better" which in my mind translated to "I do not think he loves you" or "he cannot love you" which is ridiculous. Because I know that this man cares for me. I am unsure if he does really love me, but this is because it has been such a short period of time. I would not blame him for questions or concerns, I am trying to think rational about this to keep my expectations low. 

I am afraid to expect too much of anyone, let alone a man I am consistently and constantly falling for on a daily basis. I am afraid not because of anything he has or has not done, it is because of my own fears, my own insecurities of relationships and friendships past. 

I am projecting this onto a man I claim to love, and for the most part he is really unaware of it, because I do not share these fears with him. I am uncertain of how fair that is. 

In speaking with a mutual friend of ours last day I realized that what I am doing to this man is awful, and manipulative and not at all representative of the woman that I claim I want to be. This is not the kind of partner that I want to be. 

At the same time though I sometimes feel like talking to him is as conducive to talking to a brick wall which lets face it, is pretty much like talking to most straight men. 

Ah well thats the drama for this week. Thanks for listening Buddha. 

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